My first 14er

Today I hiked up my first (hopefully of many) 14er. I have been battling this cough for over two weeks now and it is still sticking around. I was not sure if I could even do this today, but I took it slow. Real slow (as in 5 hours to reach the top, when it can be done in 3). As my head began to hurt more and more, my lungs screamed for more oxygen, my heart racing, and as I felt more and more lightheaded with each step I took, I really wanted to turn around and call it quits. But one thought in my mind kept me going...I need to bring Scott to the top. While we have plans to eventually take most of Scott's remains to the beach in California, I felt compelled to bring some of him with me on this hike. I wept upon arriving to the summit. I cried as I placed his ashes inside a heart made out of stones. My grief became very apparent on that summit today. I wish he could have been here to hike with me on what would have been his first 14er also. I cried thinking about the kids and how they are at a camp for grieving kids, a camp they should not have to need. I pushed myself today because of my grief. I did it for him. Thank you, Timothy, for being there today, being patient with me as I slowly ascended the peak, for allowing me to breakdown on a mountain top, and for also bringing Scott to Torreys Peak since I was too exhausted to climb that peak.

This quote found on One Fit Widow’s Facebook page perfectly describes how I felt:

The thing about grief that a lot of people don't understand is that you can be going about your day, feeling perfectly fine, and uncover a memory, hear a song, or simply stumble upon a photo - and you are ripped back - if even for a moment.

Grief is part of the tapestry that makes up who you are. It's deep, it's lasting, and it's painful. It's also enlightening, powerful, and hauntingly beautiful.

Those who grieve are changed.

Life never looks the same. Often the grieving make the choice to live a better life. Grief makes you aware at a deeper level. Grief makes you wiser in a way nothing else can.