All done

Got the rest of my tattoo finished today. It definitely hurt a bunch today since the work done was up on my collar bone. I plan to get better pictures once it is all healed up. This whole piece is dedicated to my mom, who passed away nine years ago, and my husband, who passed away earlier this year. Scott was really fond of the movie Lilo and Stitch and so I have the Ohana phrase and Stitch for him. For my mom, I chose a hibiscus flower because I have an old picture of her in the botanical gardens in Okinawa, Japan where she has a flower above her ear. To me, it resembles a hibiscus. The words 'Mahal kita' mean 'I love you' in Tagalog, my mother's native language. Both sides were tied together so beautifully and it is my hope to bring them together across my back sometime in the future.

Freddy!!

Tristan has been wanting a dog. I really couldn’t resist having a new furry friend in the house. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been checking out PetFinder hoping to spot the perfect dog for Tristan. Then I spotted him. A German Shepard mix, about 1 to 2 years old, that was already housebroken and even knew some tricks. Without further ado, here’s Freddy, the newest member of the Hooper clan!

Two runs, one day

Last weekend, I did something absolutely insane and did two races in one day. No really, I did. I started my morning by doing a 5k with inflatable obstacles. I set off with two of my friends and one of my friend's sisters. It was in a huge field near our local airport. The organization benefiting from proceeds collected from the race is the National Mill Dog Rescue. So, I got to hold this little cutie - a spokes-dog for the organization. As you can see, I was quite content holding him. :)

My friend and her sister pushed themselves and ran ahead, while my friend Melanie stuck with my slow butt and pushed me along the way. She didn't let me stop (other than the water station). She pushed me to run for short distances and then keep a brisk walking pace. The group was uneven and we got eaten up by bugs, but I got it done in 51 minutes. 

After the 5k, the kids and I headed for the Big Dog Brag where I signed us up for the family 2k. The Big Dog Brag is a mud run that took place at a local off road park. They have a family 2k, with kid friendly obstacles and a 5k for adults (13+) only. Despite being tired, I had a lot of fun watching the kids get muddy, push themselves to do all the obstacles (Melayna skipped one, but otherwise, she did great), and endure the nearly 1.5 mile trek. Tristan, I believe, made me the most proud. He's normally very frightened of heights. He got through each obstacle not once complaining about the height (some were pretty high climbs). On one obstacle, a tight rope walk of sorts, I could see the look of determination on his face to get through it. I could tell he was scared to fall, but he pushed through his fear and got all the way across. This was officially, Melayna's first mud run. She did really well despite getting scared with a few obstacles. She also wanted to sit on my lap for both mud slides, which I happily obliged. And both times, because I couldn't control myself going down, we turned 180 degrees and went into the muddy pool of water backwards! So much fun!

 I have so much more I want to do when it comes to my fitness goals. Exercise is my drug. It keeps me going. I feel so motivated and excited when I see results. I feel stronger and fitter than I have been in a long time. It is so easy to feel bad for myself, to feel so defeated after all I've been through. Some days I want to crawl under my covers and not come out at all. And these days come and go. But with exercise, those days don't come all too often. With my goals in mind, I want to get up and do something.

The next big adventure is the B Strong Ride in Boulder, Colorado. Twenty-four miles with 1,000 feet in elevation gain. This is going to be tough. I really need to get on my bike more. I may try to do a 5k in July, too. Just a small, short-term goal to keep me motivated. In September, I may sign up for a 10k. Beyond that...I'm not quite sure. I definitely want to do the Spartan Race and finish it. Thinking of signing up for the one in Phoenix in February. I'm hoping to make a long weekend trip out of the whole deal. Maybe see the Grand Canyon while I'm out there.

I have weight loss goals, which is slow going, but I really don't mind so much. I have to keep telling myself, that the scale isn't what matters. What matters is that I'm doing it. I'm staying active. I'm eating better than before. And that I feel better. The weight loss will come in time. This isn't going to happen overnight. For now, my plan is to continue what I'm doing and add more to it. I want to do some strength training by lifting weights. I need a lifting partner, though. Someone who has an idea of what he or she is doing. Maybe I should pay for some personal training sessions, too? A thought to revisit later.

Painting with a Twist: Garden of the Gods

Next week, a really good friend of mine celebrates his birthday. Since I will be in Utah, I took him out to Painting with a Twist. He has never been there and has been wanting to go for quite some time. I was excited to be able to take him out on his first painting experience! Although, I may have not been the best painting partner, as I was fairly quiet the whole time. I was really concentrating hard and quite focused on my painting. For his first painting, Tim did an excellent job! It wasn't an easy painting to do at all. He says he had an enjoyable time, which is all that really matters. I hope his birthday next week is a great one! Tim has been one of the few I have leaned on these last few months. I am so lucky to have him in my life and I consider him one of my best friends. Happy Birthday, Tim!

Four Months, Four Years

Four months ago, I said goodbye to my husband. For nearly a year, he dealt with disability from the stroke he had during surgery and the treatments associated with cancer. His 35 years of living cut short, way too soon, I believe. It seems to me that time has passed very quickly. So much has happened in four short months. The kids are finished with school. Tristan and Melayna continue to do well in karate. We've been to Denver Comic Con, a Lindsey Stirling concert, hiking, Itz with Grandpa and Grandma, and so much more. I have remained ever so busy with kickboxing, Zumba, gym workouts, and more. Life is moving on without him. We are adjusting to the change. And that's how its going to be. Adjustments and moving on. It hurts, though. Last week, I had a day where I was in complete despair. I lost count of how many times I broke down and cried. I even cried on the treadmill during my lunch break. Fortunately, I had a few friends at work to help me through my day. I have my good days and my bad days. For the most part, the good ones outweigh the bad ones and this is definitely a good thing. On my bad days, I sometimes feel like giving up, where I would want to crawl in my covers and ignore the day away. My heart is heavy and hurts with a pain that at times seems so unbearable.

Today, however, not only marks four months since his passing, but four years since we officially married. It is our anniversary today. Last year, he plotted with a friend and had her surprise me at work with 10 roses (one for each year we had been together) and a ribbon with each year we've been married. He also had her playing "My Best Friend" by Tim McGraw as I came to my desk. (http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9aGkwbnWaIo).

Despite his limitations, he still managed to make sure our anniversary was special and memorable. I'm sure something he wanted to make sure he did as he wasn't the most romantic person in previous years. It was a very sweet and sincere gesture. Something I truly appreciated.

Little did I know that it would be the last anniversary he and I would celebrate together. I am jealous of couples who have been together for so many years. Decades of companionship and love. Something I fear I won't ever get to experience again. I am hopeful, but I still worry. Will I be in my seventies and all alone? Or will someone steal the broken pieces of my heart and slowly help me put them back together? I digress.

My mind is an intricate web of various thoughts and memories, spun in a chaotic pattern of worries, what-ifs, should of's, and could of's. I dwell on the past, as well as the future. Sometimes I think that I should have pushed Scott to fight harder and I feel guilty for not having done so. Then I realize his prognosis was grim to begin with and no matter how much he fought, he was doomed to succumb to the cancer. I wonder if the choices I have made so far are the right ones. Am I doing right by honoring his memory? Am I providing the kids with the best I can? Am I being selfish in my personal relationships? How am I going to juggle work life, family life, social life, etc.? Can I do it all, especially by myself?It is painfully scary to think that the raising of my children now fall squarely on my shoulders.

So many things in my mind. Always racing. Constantly thinking, contemplating. I suffer at night with sleepless nights. I suffer during the day from exhaustion and my tendency to be so easily distracted. However, most days I put on a smile and hope that the pain can be masked by my dimples and ear-to-ear grin. I think only those who know me well can see through my facade.

What keeps me going? Well, first off, knowing that I need to be there for my kids is my primary motivation to put one foot in front of the other. They need me. They need stability, predictability. They need me to be their mother.

Second, my desire to find happiness and fulfillment in life is a secondary motivation. I am only 32 years old. If I am one of the lucky ones, I have at least another 40 years to live life. I plan to grow old and see my children get married and start families of their own. If I am really lucky, I'll even get to see my great grandchildren. That's my hope. Quite frankly, I hope that it will be by someone's side. This means a lifestyle change is necessary. I need to become a healthier person if I am to ensure a longer life to see my children grow up and perhaps their children also grow up.

How do I cope?
I cry.
I write.
I think.
I rely on friends.
I distract myself.
My biggest coping mechanism, however, is exercise.
If I am stressed, I run or walk. If I am frustrated, I punch and kick harder in kickboxing. If I am sad, I shake my booty with all I got in Zumba. And soon, I will pedal a bike and shed my tears.

Each pound of fat I shed represents the stress and frustration I have been feeling. It represents the pain and sorrow I feel.

Each new muscle I find, sore and tender from the previous day's workout, represents the hope and determination I have to better myself and be the example my children need.

Some days I really don't know how I do it. But I do. I guess that's what's important. I guess that is what matters. Right? As long as I truly do not give up, then I can get through all this.

Happy Anniversary, Scott Hooper
I wish you were here to celebrate it with me.

I miss you so much. 

I am thankful for our friends and family who have helped me through these past four months; otherwise, I don't think I'd cope this well without them.
You left us way too soon and you are missed by so many.

Love,
Mary