One month ago

I cannot believe that a month has gone by since Scott passed away. His presence in our lives, absent for 28 days, is dearly missed. A month ago they took his body away and I utterly broke down, throwing myself on his hospital bed. There are times where I forget he is no longer alive. A brief moment where I think: I have to show Scott this. As quickly as the thought would come, it fades away into emptiness and sadness. I remind myself that I cannot show him anything. I cannot tell him anything. He is gone.
I sometimes find it hard to believe that he is not here any longer. That I will not get to feel his hand caressing my cheek. I will never feel his lips against mine. I will never be able to curl up in his arms with my head upon his chest, rising with each breath.
I got lucky with him. Being a larger woman, my opinions about how I look are not exactly positive. Scott, however, never made me feel ugly. He never made me feel unloved. He always reminded me of how beautiful, smart, wonderful, and amazing I was to him. He would brag about me to his friends. He would boast about what an awesome mother I was. He told me many times that he was the luckiest man alive to have found me and to have my love in return for his. I have no doubt that he loved me more than anything in the world. We were meant for each other. Soul mates.
But now he’s gone. I feel as if my soul were ripped in two. My essence and being forever changed by the mark he left in my heart and mind. The love of my life, gone and never to return.
It hurts. So much. But I am good at hiding it. I am really good at distracting myself. I keep telling myself and others that Scott would not want me to be depressed and to live in misery. He would want me to move on, to live life, to live for him, and to be happy. I have definitely had happy moments. But at times, these moments are filled with a little bit of guilt. Should I be more depressed and sad? Am I not grieving in the right way? Do I appear too happy? Can some see through the façade that I have put on display? Do I cry too much? Do I cry too little?
I do not know the answers to all these questions. I have heard that everyone grieves in their own ways. So, what may be right for one person, may be too much or too little for another. I have been told that I have been coping extremely well. Which is fairly true. While in the presence of others, I tend to keep a positive demeanor and be my normal “bubbly” self. Every once in a while, someone will throw me off guard and I talk about Scott, the kids, and other aspects of our cancer journey and losing him. I am usually skilled at holding back tears, which linger at the surface ready to explode at any moment.
Sometimes, I feel like I have cried so much over the last year, that I cannot cry anymore. My tear ducts have run on overdrive and they are quite tired. Instead of tears, I have noticed that I get aches in my chest. A real pain sears through my heart causing me to gasp and choke. I feel that this is something that will take quite some time to fade away. The intensity diminishing over time. It is not something that will suddenly go away.
One month ago, Scott took his final breath and left this world. The first of many months to come. I know what it feels like to lose someone. I know the pain will never go away. I know that it lessens over time, but a hole will remain for as long as I shall live.
I leave you with a poem. This is modified from the original version, which was printed in the memorial folders (service programs).

When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile
Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned
And remember only the smile

 

Forget unkind words I have spoken
Remember some good I have done
Forget that I ever had heartache
And remember I've had loads of fun

 

Forget that I've stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way
Remember I have fought some hard battles
And won, ere the close of the day

 

Then forget to grieve for my going
I would not have you sad for a day
Lay out a good board game
And remember a time we played

 

And come in the shade of evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best