My first 14er

Today I hiked up my first (hopefully of many) 14er. I have been battling this cough for over two weeks now and it is still sticking around. I was not sure if I could even do this today, but I took it slow. Real slow (as in 5 hours to reach the top, when it can be done in 3). As my head began to hurt more and more, my lungs screamed for more oxygen, my heart racing, and as I felt more and more lightheaded with each step I took, I really wanted to turn around and call it quits. But one thought in my mind kept me going...I need to bring Scott to the top. While we have plans to eventually take most of Scott's remains to the beach in California, I felt compelled to bring some of him with me on this hike. I wept upon arriving to the summit. I cried as I placed his ashes inside a heart made out of stones. My grief became very apparent on that summit today. I wish he could have been here to hike with me on what would have been his first 14er also. I cried thinking about the kids and how they are at a camp for grieving kids, a camp they should not have to need. I pushed myself today because of my grief. I did it for him. Thank you, Timothy, for being there today, being patient with me as I slowly ascended the peak, for allowing me to breakdown on a mountain top, and for also bringing Scott to Torreys Peak since I was too exhausted to climb that peak.

This quote found on One Fit Widow’s Facebook page perfectly describes how I felt:

The thing about grief that a lot of people don't understand is that you can be going about your day, feeling perfectly fine, and uncover a memory, hear a song, or simply stumble upon a photo - and you are ripped back - if even for a moment.

Grief is part of the tapestry that makes up who you are. It's deep, it's lasting, and it's painful. It's also enlightening, powerful, and hauntingly beautiful.

Those who grieve are changed.

Life never looks the same. Often the grieving make the choice to live a better life. Grief makes you aware at a deeper level. Grief makes you wiser in a way nothing else can.

Six Months

Where do I start? I can't count how many times I broke down. My kickboxing friends allowed me to mourn as the reality of today sunk it.

Today hit me hard. Six months has gone by since we said goodbye to Scott. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I have found, though, that my emotions have really run high over the last month. At times, I find myself angry and other times I am just a mess. I have, however, accomplished much since he passed away. The kids and I have done quite a bit along the way. I can say, without a doubt, that we have had many happy memories. This grief journey, though, has been difficult. It wasn't until this last month that I realized how difficult it really is. New challenges have greeted me, only to be met with a sense of loneliness and anger.

I recently started group counseling for people who are grieving. While it has only been a couple of weeks, it is comforting to know I am not completely alone and that others share the same fears and pain as me. Also, the children have all been signed up for a grief camp this month. A three day weekend spent up in the mountains with other kids who are also grieving. An experience, I hope, will help them understand that they are not alone and that they can express their grief.

I, unfortunately, have not allowed myself to really grieve openly, especially in front of my kids. Something I need to change. Something they need to see me do, so they, too, know it is okay to grieve. I am hopefully making positive changes in our lives that will allow me and the children to start to heal. So that we can all begin to move forward, forever changed by the impact Scott had on our lives.

This Saturday, I will finally get to go on the bike ride I set out to do over a year ago. Scott will not be waiting for me at the finish line like he had intended, but he will be with me. I am nervous, but very excited to do this and am so thankful I will have Ginia by my side. This will be a testament to how far I've come in my journey to become a healthier, fitter person and to be the example my children need me to be.

I have a few days left to raise money for the B Strong Ride. Please check out my page if you have a moment:https://fundraising.active.com/fundraiser/MaryHooper